Why Fear is Actually a Good Thing

Ok, so let’s talk about fear. Fear is one of the most misunderstood sentiments that we have. Fear has a bad reputation. People have historically thought of fear as a negative emotion and something we would be better off not having in our lives. I want to defend fear in this article and make a case for it. So let’s go.

The science of fear

Our brain has evolved over millions of years and there are different parts in the brain responsible for the fear mechanism. The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, along with other parts of the brain are key to our fight-or-flight reactions.
Amygdala: scans for threats and signals body to respond
Brain Stem: triggers the freeze response
Hippocampus: turns on the fight-or-flight response
Hypothalamus: signals the adrenal glands to pump hormones
Pre-Frontal Cortex: interprets the event and compares it to past experiences
Thalamus: receives input from the senses and “decides” to send information to either the sensory cortex (conscious fear) or the amygdala (defence mechanism).

When we are in a state of fear, our heart rate and blood pressure increase, pupils dilate to take in as much light as possible, nonessential systems such as the immune system and digestion turn themselves off to allow more energy to go towards emergency function, and veins in the skin constrict which keeps blood in the major muscle groups. A whole heap of things happen — very very quickly in our brains and our bodies. Fear is one of the oldest responses we have in our evolutionary process.
And to think that people put themselves through this on purpose, via horror movies, rollercoasters, haunted houses and so on. Why?
Dopamine, aka the feel-good hormone — that’s why. The same dopamine that keeps us coming back to our smartphone after posting something on Instagram or Facebook to see how many likes/comments we have. The same dopamine that turns social media or food into an addiction. The same dopamine that makes sex feel amazing.
In addition to cortisol and adrenaline, dopamine is also released during frightening situations. Some people, however, react strongly to the dopamine in the moment and get a natural rush or a high in a fearful situation — and become addicted to it. The fear becomes an adventure. A thrill.

Fear and evolution

According to the dictionary; “Fear arises with the threat of harm, either physical, emotional, or psychological, real or imagined. Fear serves an important role in keeping us safe as it mobilises us to cope with potential danger.” I want to focus on the second half of that statement, how fear serves an important role.

Fear is a survival mechanism. Throughout history and the evolutionary process — fear has kept us alive and kept us evolving. It is an inherent part of our evolution and we are the product of the ancestors who were fearful not the ones who were courageous. Those that were brave and ventured forth, didn’t return. Those that cowered in the caves reproduced. We are the product of that fear, the cowardice of our ancestors. Our very existence is due to this fear. It is an inherent part of our biology that has kept us alive and kept us procreating. If we are not afraid, we wouldn’t survive for long.

A word about bravery, valour and courage

If you look for a synonym for bravery, fearlessness is one of them. People misunderstand that bravery and courage is not having any fear, a state of fearlessness — no, not having any fear is foolishness. It is perhaps a pathological illness. Bravery and courage mean having the fear, feeling the fear but taking action in spite of the fear. I, for instance, don’t want to be the fool that does not fear things and makes stupid rash decisions and dies. Instead, I want to be the brave person who, having known and felt the fear, still decided to act in the most sensible and calculated way. There is a huge difference in these approaches.

Fear in the modern world

Although we now live in a very different world, the process of millions of years of evolution can not be undone in a few generations. We don’t face the same threats our ancestors did but we attach the same fear response to most problems of today. Although being embarrassed and perhaps losing your job is not life-threatening but our system treats them like they are in fact life-threatening.
Fear’s job is to keep us alive — it has evolved to do that one thing. So our system often goes into fight or flight mode even when not required. We have taken our fears from the savannah of lions, tigers and other predators and transferred them to all kinds of situations of the modern world — where we obviously are not in any immediate danger of lions and tigers.

Consider some of these fears we face on a daily basis in the modern world:

  • Fear of public speaking (one of the biggest, strongest fear people have in the modern world)
  • Fear of consequence (of our actions/inactions)
  • Fear of losing the alternative (when we make a choice — we let go of all the alternatives)
  • Fear of missing out (#YOLO)
  • Fear of embarrassment/humiliation (social status and recognition)
  • Fear of failure and loss
  • Fear of not measuring up/lagging behind

How many of these do you think are life-threatening? Perhaps one or two in the right circumstances could be life-threatening depending on your situation — but most of them, not so. However, our reaction to most of them is similar to those of our ancestor’s hundreds and thousands of years ago.

How fear continues to serve us

Anticipating a fearful stimulus can provoke the same response as actually experiencing the situation hence fear is one of the greatest motivators known to us. Most of the modern world is created, at least in part, due to some fear — including most accomplishments. Passion, love, and craftsmanship have their place in this equation but there is fear, in some shape or form, that is a driving force. Fear of losing, fear of being forgotten, fear of humiliation, fear of not being good enough — deep down somewhere, behind most motivations are some of these fears.

Imagine that we remove death from the equation of life. We have unlimited time, to achieve all our goals, realise all our dreams and do all the things we wanted to do. What are we most likely going to do? Not much, to be honest. It is the fear of death, the fear of mortality, of perishing away and being forgotten, the fear of wasting our time, fear of retribution, of letting someone down (dressed mostly as love) that motivates us to do most things. Without this fear, we would probably not do much in our lives.

Not all fear is created equal

Some fears are good, like the ones we talked about, healthy fears — that motivate us to do things but there are also unhealthy fears. Fear can be energising or draining. When people talk about stress, worry, panic — it is actually fear, just dressed differently. A healthy fear essentially makes your life better, motivates you to do things. An unhealthy fear would make your life worse or in some way restrict your freedoms and a simple fact is that everyone experiences fear differently. It is important to know what fears work for you and what doesn’t. Does fear motivate you to do more, or does it shut you down and freeze you? Learn to use your fears as motivators and not a hindrance.
In spite of what all the ‘gurus’ in the self-help world say, you cannot and should not, shut off of your fears. It is an inherent part of your biology and your evolution — it helps you survive. However, what you can do is tune your fear response as some fears do in fact paralyse us when not required.

In one of the upcoming articles, I will list some of these unhealthy fears and ways to tackle them. Until then, stay awesome.


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A Guide to the Good Life by William B. Irvine – Book Summary


Summary

We tend to live with no balance, focusing on the negatives instead. Stoicism empowers you to shift your thinking and way of life for the better.

Date Read: 10 September 2020
My Rating: 7/10
Goodreads


The Book in 3 Sentences

  1. The most valuable thing in life is a grand goal in life, a coherent philosophy for life. Whatever it may be (Stoicism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Cynicism, Epicureanism etc) but having one is a prerequisite in living a good life and preventing us from ‘misliving’.
  2. Modern philosophers tend to spend their days debating esoteric topics, the primary goal of most ancient philosophers was to help ordinary people live better lives.
  3. Many of us have been persuaded that happiness is something that someone else, a therapist or a politician, and must confer on us. Stoicism rejects this notion. It teaches us that we are very much responsible for our happiness as well as our unhappiness.

Overall Thoughts

This is a great book for beginners who want to learn more about Stoicism and also for the practitioners of Stoicism alike who may want a refresher. The book has a clear structure and breaks down the origin, rise, decline and consequent revival of Stoicism.

Although the subject of Stoicism in itself is fascinating and when the author quotes the Stoics and their lives, he has done a tremendous job however, when he draws his own conclusions and tries to adapt the philosophy to modern life – he fails the Stoics and their teaching. The subject and the original material reference in this book is absolutely amazing however the execution of this book, not so much.

One element that really appealed to me was the author making frequent comparisons between Zen Buddhism and Stoicism. If you are anything like me and have a keen interest in Buddhism you may find these comparisons very helpful as I was able to draw from my knowledge of Buddhism and draw parallels and conclusions in Stoicism.

Who is this book for?

This book is for anyone who wants to:

  • Improve their life through the use of a coherent philosophy
  • Learn about the various philosophies for life
  • Wanting to learn the benefits of self-control and self-discipline
  • Learn how to develop a grand goal and vision for life
  • Learn how to age well and live a meaningful life

This is a great book for anyone wanting to learn about Stoicism and learning about its origin, history, main contributors, rise and decline.

Also, for someone who is well versed in Stoicism, this book has great historical stories and a clear lineage and uptake of Stoicism in the ancient world. More importantly, the book has very important Stoic lessons and practices.

Main Points & Ideas

  1. The Stoics’ interest in logic is based on their belief that a man’s distinctive feature is his rationality. According to the Stoics, man is distinguishable from all other animals by his ability to reason – so it is his duty to be reasonable.
  2. The pursuit of tranquillity
    People have this misconception that the Stoics were these anti-joy zombies who experienced no emotions however that is not the case. The Stoics realised that a life plagued with negative emotions—including anger, anxiety, fear, grief, and envy—will not be a good life, so they develop a philosophy of life that teaches how to limit these negative emotions and pursue tranquillity.
  3. Negative Visualisation
    As the name suggests, you visualise all the bad things you are afraid can plague your life. Why you ask? For so many good reasons.
    • Negative visualisation helps us learn the value of things we already have by contemplating losing them (our kids, ability to walk and see, money, homes, cars etc). By consciouslly thinking about the loss of what we have, we can regain our appreciation of it, and with this regained appreciation we can revitalise our capacity for joy.
    • By contemplating the death of a loved one, we can learn to be more present with them, love them and appreciate them more. Make the most of our time with them.
    • By contemplating our own death we can live life more fully. Not by going wild and #YOLO’ing but by appreciating life more and not wasting our time and being grateful for all the opportunities.
    • Negative visualisation helps us contemplate the impermanence of the world (including our own self) and it helps us deal with change.
  4. Trichotomy of control
    In life there are three types of sitautions:
    • Situations where we have complete control
      These are the things we should be doing first and foremost, these should be our primary concerns as our efforts are directly responsible for the outcomes.
    • Situations where we have no control
      Don’t waste any time thinking about or worrying over such things. If you cannot control it in any way shape or form, then let it go.
    • Situations where we have some but not total control
      Most of life exists in the realm. However, the Stoics made an important distinction; we may not have control over outcomes but we control the goals we set for ourselves. We may not control our desires and impulses but we control how and if we act upon them. Therefore the goal should not be external (for example I must win this tennis match) but should always be internal (I will play to my best ability).
  5. Self Denial
    Similar to the practice of negative visualisation the Stoics periodically practised ‘poverty’ where they purposely went hungry, thirsty, dressed down for cold weather and slept on the floor among other things. They purposely created a contrast to the comforts of life to keep reminding themselves that if they lost everything, it wouldn’t be so bad. The practice also ensured that no vices take hold over their lives and makes them its slave. Much like fasting is prescribed by many of the major religions of the world to practice austerity and experience the plight of the poor, the Stoics took it further than just food and water. Although not to please Zeus or any other god but to ensure that they don’t cling to the things they enjoy. And then they would ask themselves; is this the fate you were so afraid of?

Impacts On My Life

  1. After reading about Epictetus’s advice on avoiding social gatherings where the discussion is food, celebrities and other people – I started avoiding most such gatherings as I realised for 90% of the people this is the purpose of a gathering, to discuss current affairs, sports, cars, money and other people. These things don’t add value to my life. If I don’t hang out with you, now you know why – Epictetus told me so 🙂
  2. After incorporating Negative Visualisation into my life, I noted an increased presence in my NOW. I was more conscious about my own mortality and that of the people around me. I became more cognisant about squandering my time and trying to make the most of my (remaining) time with my wife and daughter and making a valuable contribution to their lives and the world.
  3. After learning about the Stoics’ practice of self denial and practiced poverty, I started volunteering at a homeless men’s shelter in Canberra. It was my ‘feed two birds with one scone’ idea where I could help in providing these men a safe, warm place to spend the night in the Canberra winter and at the same time, sleeping the nights with the bare minimum – sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. This practice not only made me realise that you can make a difference no matter how small you start, but talking to some of these men also made me realise that anyone’s situation could be worse and life can turn upside down without notice – so always plan for misfortune and be prepared for it.
  4. I started looking at material objects for the utility they provide as opposed to the status they provide (car, house, clothes, jewellery, jobs etc). Everything I purchase for myself is purely for its utilitarian purpose. Hence I often struggle spending money on myself where its not a need but a want, I simply cannot justify it to myself.

Key Takeaways for Me

  1. It is important to live life by a philosophy, not a religion but a philosophy. Religions serve a different purpose. A philosophy of life is unique to me and becomes my north star.
  2. If humans are still struggling with the same questions, predicaments and conditions after almost 2000 years then there is something fundamentally wrong with how we conduct our lives, organise our societies and the value we attach to the various concepts of life.
  3. You attain wealth and fame by the virtue of your character and not by pursuit (the Stoics advocated not pursuing fame and wealth, however almost all of them turned out famous and wealthy).
  4. Nothing is worth doing pointlessly. It should either be a means to an end, or an end in itself.
  5. Be fatalistic about the past and the present. The past is gone, its done – get over it and move on. The present is happening now and will soon turn into past. I can only impact the future, so I must focus my energy there.
  6. Choose friends carefully. People have the capacity to disrupt my tranquillity so it is important to know this and be ready to deal with this. Befriend people who are doing a greater job than me in their pursuit of tranquillity and living a life of meaning – learn from them and get challenged by them. But at the same time also remember – people do not choose to have the faults that they do.
  7. Punishment, if necessary, should not originate from retribution but for the good of the wrongdoer, to prevent them from doing it again.
  8. After originally reading this book, I wrote two article and made a video on the topic of the trichotomy of control. Check them out here, here and here.

My Favourite Quotes

  • Stoicism is not so much an ethic as it is a paradoxical recipe for happiness – Paul Veyne
  • Misfortune weighs most heavily on those who expect nothing but good fortune – Seneca
  • All things human are short-lived and perishable – Seneca
  • By contemplating the impermanence of everything in the world, we are forced to recognize that every time we do something could be the last time we do it, and this recognition can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent.
  • Our most important choice in life is whether to concern ourselves with things external to us or things internal – Epictetus
  • This mortal life endures but a moment – Marcus Aurelius
  • Another person will not do you harm unless you wish it; you will be harmed at just that time at which you take yourself to be harmed – Epictetus
  • Is it not madness and the wildest lunacy to desire so much when you can hold so little? – Seneca
  • In our youth, it takes effort to contemplate our own death; in our later years, it takes effort to avoid contemplating it.
  • I always seek to conquer myself rather than fortune, to change my desires rather than the established order, and generally to believe that nothing except our thoughts is wholly under our control, so that after we have done our best in external matters, what remains to be done is absolutely impossible, at least as far as we are concerned – Descartes
  • Our anger invariably lasts longer than the damage done to us – Seneca
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Is Life Worth Living on Autopilot or with Intention?

Ever driven a known route, say from your house to your workplace (or vice versa) and you arrive at your destination and think to yourself – wow, I didn’t have to consciously think about the driving and was mostly lost in thought/music/podcast/conversation and now I am here. How cool and dangerous!

The reason why you don’t have to consciously think about every turn and every aspect of that commute is a simple fact that you have done this particular drive so many times that the familiarity has made it almost like muscle memory. It has become a routine in your mind. You know what you are doing, you’ve got this! This is doing a task on autopilot mode. It can apply to not just driving but other areas of life too like cooking, or cleaning, or exercising and so on.

Ultimately what living on autopilot is that you can do various tasks, physical and mental, without putting too much cognitive processing into them. Whether it is driving or making commitments, cooking or making a judgement – you do all this without much conscious effort and thought because you have done it so many times before.

Why do we do it and are there any benefits?

We don’t actually consciously choose to zone out while doing a mundane or repetitive task, our brain just does it for us. At any given time, the brain is receiving and processing so many varied forms of raw data – vision, sound, emotion, touch, memory associations and so on – and with its limited processing power, it is filtering out a whole heap of this information (without asking us) to prevent a system overload. The brain is making routine, repetitive tasks easy to do by automating the process to free up mental bandwidth for tasks requiring more cognitive processing and pretty much anything we do repeatedly has the potential of turning into an automated task.

While the brain represents just 2% of a person’s total body weight, it accounts for 20% of the body’s energy use. It is very effective in using and saving its energy and processing reserves and is always looking to automate things. Essentially it is always looking for the path of least resistance to save energy.

How do we know it is happening and what are the cons?

The good thing is doing repetitive tasks becomes easy, however, the bad thing is it is not just limited to driving to work – it happens in far greater aspects of our lives than we realise, oftentimes without our consent and knowledge!

I personally have spent a great many years operating on this autopilot mode. Unknowingly and after realisation, unwillingly. Whether it was consumption of food, media, dealing with people in a social situation, thinking through problems – I did most of it in an automated, habituated way – just the way I have been doing in the past without much conscious thought or reflection. Essentially there isn’t anything wrong with that but when we make the same choices over and over again without much consideration, we are exposed to making the same errors over and over again. Now, that is a problem.

“Autopilot has gone from being an evolutionary protection mechanism that stopped our brains overloading, to our default mode of operating whereby we sleepwalk into our choices,” Dr. Mark Williamson

Some of the cons of living life like this are listed below but here is the juxtaposition of this problem, most of these cons are not obvious while you are living like this – you don’t see these problems while creating the problems but here are a few things to look out for:

  • You waste time procrastinating and avoid taking action or making a decision
  • You overcommit to things in your personal and professional life – you take too much on, sometimes knowing you will not be able to fit it all in and deliver
  • You feel frustrated often and become moody
  • You feel you have a mundane or a boring existence
  • You lack clarity of purpose in personal and professional life
  • You feel life just happens to you rather than through you
  • You try to please people
  • You say yes more often than no
  • You struggle to remember things

And here are some of the cons of living this way (not an exhaustive list by any means):

  • You live a life that is less than the one you are capable of
  • You limit your own beliefs and actions
  • You try to do things by brute force at the last minute
  • You neglect your own self-care and happiness
  • You let your relationships slip and suffer – you drive people away
  • You do not consciously choose and create your destiny
  • You give up sovereignty and control of your life
  • You can’t help but feel helpless in different situations
  • You are constantly resisting change
  • You are not improving or growing
  • You are not making any meaningful contribution to the world

Ok, lots of cons – what’s the opposite of autopilot?

Yes, lots of cons indeed and honestly, it is fine if you want to keep doing the same thing and don’t want to make any real progress in your personal or professional life or make any contribution to the lives of others or the world. BUT… (of course, there is a but after a paragraph like that)

For any meaningful progress in life, to do something of substance, to attain goals and dreams you need to make genuine conscious efforts. Not automated ones. You need to do things differently and quit doing them the way they have been done.

This is known as living life with intention. Where life doesn’t just happen to you but happens through you. This is where you take control of your feelings, emotions, decisions and actions. Where you take control and design your own optimal life.

Our repeated behaviours become habitual patterns and these patterns, in turn, become so ingrained in our personality that they end up defining our character – which shapes our lives and destiny.

So it is important to first and foremost realise that we are living on autopilot, that we are living habitually and unconsciously and then to take active steps to change that and live more intentionally.

So, how do I live with intention?

Here is a list of things you can do to live life more consciously and with more intention.

  1. Define what is important to you.
    This is about knowing your priority (singular – not plural). Your deepest most important desire, aspiration and goal. Ask yourself; If there is one thing/area of my life where I could be truly amazing, what would it be? What will be my highest contribution to the world and to the lives of those around me?
    • Once you have the answer, ask yourself why. Why do I want this?
    • Once you get that answer, ask yourself why again. And then do it 3 more times (the 5 levels of why) Now you know exactly why!

  2. Start with the end in mind.
    Where is it that you are trying to go? What is the ultimate destination of your life? If you don’t know where you are going, it is easy to get lost, and more importantly, how do you know you have arrived?

  3. Write a mission statement for your life.
    Based on the above, write a mission statement for your life – the sort that companies have. The idea of the mission statement is to let you and everyone around you know what your life stands for. What the objective is and what will be your guiding principles and morals? Don’t use ambiguous terms and sentences like most companies do (example: be a leader in innovation – what kind of innovation? what does a leader mean in this context?) Be very specific.
    • Make a list of all the habits, skills and attributes you need in order to live a life that is in alignment with the mission statement. Are you close? Do you currently have most of these skills and attributes? How about the habits? How far off are you?

  4. Don’t build good habits – just eliminate bad ones. I am not suggesting you do more work and make new habits, just make a list of all the bad habits you currently have (sleeping late, drinking too much, eating junk food etc) and work to eliminate those – the good habits will take care of themselves.
    • Some habits are foundation habits – they have the most impact on your life, that one good/bad habit causes a domino effect on a whole range of other habits. Look to eliminate cornerstone bad habits or cultivate cornerstone good ones first. An example is a regular exercise habit; once you start doing that you naturally start eating better, providing proper nutrition, rest and sleep to your body and so on.

  5. Declutter your life.
    Mentally, physically and emotionally. Get rid of all the junk you don’t need. Get rid of all the people that don’t add value to your life. Get rid of all the dreams, hopes and aspirations that have expired. I have written a whole series of Letting Go. Check it out.
    Clearing Out The Old — Letting Go of Things
    Clearing Out The Old — Letting Go of Dreams
    Clearing Out The Old — Letting Go of People
    Clearing Out The Old — Letting Go of Opinions

  6. Have goals.
    Daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals, yearly goals and big grand life goals. Start with the big grand life goals first based on the Mission Statement and work backwards to daily goals. Make every goal about the bigger picture. To move towards your grand life vision.

  7. Take action.
    Now you have goals, great, but you need to take action to achieve these goals. I follow 2 very simple rules for taking instant action:
    • Mel Robbins’ 5-second rule – “If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it. Hesitation is the kiss of death. You might hesitate for a just nanosecond, but that’s all it takes.”
    • David Allen’s 2-minute rule – If a task will take less than 2 minutes to complete, do it now. Don’t schedule it, don’t delegate it, don’t overthink it. Just do it NOW.

  8. Create solitude in your life.
    Some of your best work will be done when you are in solitude in a distraction-free zone. Collaboration and teamwork have their own place but deep focused work is king. Find time to be by yourself. Protect that space and time ferociously. This is when you will be at your best. Use it to your advantage.

  9. Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. And then meditate some more.
    I cannot stress this one enough. I recommend this in almost every one of my articles and videos. Build a meditation practice. This will positively change your life in more ways than you can imagine. If you have never meditated before a good place to start is here. If you have given meditation a try in the past but couldn’t make a habit then start (again) here.

  10. Build time for reflection by having a journaling practice.
    Journal every day. Twice a day if you can, morning and night. Some of the most successful and high performing people in the world attribute a big portion of their success to their journaling habits. Again, this will positively change your life in more ways than you can imagine. To find out how to journal, start here.

  11. Unplug.
    Take time to unplug, disconnect and go off the grid every once in a while. Believe it or not, this will recharge you and give you new insights into your own self and the world. I have been to several multi-day silent meditation retreats where I was completely cut off from the world – no phone, no TV, no internet, no talking to even your fellow meditators. In this age of hyper-connectivity, it is unlike anything you will experience. You do not need to go to that extreme but once or twice a week, turn your phone off in the evening and spend time being fully present in whatever you are doing with whoever is there. Leave your phone behind when you go for a walk. Put it in another room while you are spending time with your kids. Find ways to immerse yourself in the present moment by unplugging.
    “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”― Anne Lamott

A great expression I once heard was; if you hammer a nail into a piece of wood, the nail goes everywhere the wood goes, whether it likes it or not.

Don’t be a nail in the wood, or a tree or rock for that matter. Live your life with intention and consciously choose your destiny. You control and influence it more than you realise.

I am not regurgitating what others have written. I am recommending these things based on my personal practice and from my personal experience. I have found tremendous benefits in doing all these things and I hope you do too. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.

Now go and be awesome!

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Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown – Book Summary


Short Summary

We try to do too much. Get pulled in all directions. ‘We major in minor activities’. Learn the art of doing less but better by becoming an Essentialist.

Date Read: 26/12/2018
Rating: 7/10
Goodreads


The Book in 3 Sentences

  1. Essentialism is about recognising what is important and high priority in life and taking action to reduce our commitments, projects, goals and choices in a disciplined way.
  2. Learn to filter noise and distractions from real meaningful contributions to ultimately do less … but better.
  3. Change your identity to become someone who lives life more intentionally and not under the pressure of other people and the clock.

Overall Thoughts

This is not time management, task management or productivity book. I would, in fact, call this a psychology book because at the core of the message of this book is developing a new identity for yourself. The identity of an essentialist.

Essentialism is not something you do once in a while, it is a way of life. It is a practice that you cultivate and carry out on a regular basis. It is something you become. Something you are.

Essentially what this book does is teaches us the art of saying no. Saying no to the noise, to the irrelevant. Saying no to all the things that are not vital to your goals and not a priority for you at this time and your life as a whole. Saying no gracefully and mindfully so that we can say a conscious yes to the important things in life.

Who is this book for?

Anyone who feels:

  • stretched and overwhelmed
  • overcommitted
  • they are underperforming
  • rushing through life
  • the need to simplify life
  • they are not being productive and living life on their terms
  • being pulled in too many different directions
  • socially pressured to say yes when they actually want to say no

This book is particularly useful for managers and leaders as Greg McKeown is a business consultant and coach and uses lots of business and leadership examples in the book.

Also, people who want to declutter their life – not just in terms of material possessions but also in terms of over committing and having too many goals and projects.

Main Points & Ideas

  1. Saying yes to too many (nonessential) things will cause you to miss the opportunity of saying yes to the essential and most important things. Hence it is better to say an honest no than a half-hearted yes. People often think that by saying no, they will miss out, burn bridges, disappoint and upset someone – saying no might lose you popularity in the short term but will earn you respect in the long run – most importantly self-respect, for prioritising yourself and putting your own needs first.
    • We might feel social pressure to say yes, to please someone, to make it less awkward but saying no is important especially when it is not a true yes. There might be some internal resistance hence saying no can take courage.
    • When saying no to someone, separate the relationship from the decision. You are not denying the person but denying their request or invitation and this is why it is important to learn to say no with grace.
    • Saying yes to something means saying no to everything else – always think of the trade-off you are making because ultimately everything is a trade-off – there is always something else you could be doing with your time.
  2. More important than doing things right is doing the right things. So we must constantly ask ourselves; am I doing the right activities that will make the highest contribution to my life and my goals? Think of the 80/20 rule or the Pareto principle, which states that 80% of your contributions come from 20% of tasks and efforts.
  3. Live life by design, by intention, by consciously choosing what to do and work on rather than living by default as though life is just happening to you. However, having intentions is good but if you don’t have a system to realise your plans and intentions then those intentions are not going to be very beneficial. Systems will enable those plans and intentions to get done.
  4. Not every challenge and setback means we need to push through and work harder – sometimes we need to take a step back and actually ask ourselves; is this really a priority? Is this really worth my time and effort? When you’re doing too many different things at the same time, it is difficult to stop and ask yourself these questions. Hence it is vital to single task – doing one thing at a time.
  5. An essentialist actually discerns more so he/she can do less – but better. An essentialist makes the one decision that will eliminate a thousand decisions in the future.
  6. Sunk cost bias keeps many people invested in a losing/failing endeavour. In the investing world, the expression is to not throw good money after bad. In our personal lives, we can say don’t throw good time/effort after bad. Adults are particularly prone to sunk cost bias as opposed to kids – because adults have a lifetime exposure to the concept of ‘Don’t Waste’. Whether it’s time, money or resources, we are always told not to waste and not to be wasteful. This lack mentality reinforces the sunk-cost bias in various areas of life.
  7. To make progress, whether as a team or in a particular area in your personal life, always identify your weakest player or the weakest link in your chain. Then, do everything in your power to remove all obstacles from it’s path to eliminate all resistance in doing the job. Once you are able to identify and fix your weakest link the whole system is able to improve.

Impacts On My Life

  1. I realised after reading this book that I cannot have multiple top priorities. The word priority itself was singular up until the 1900s and then it became plural – ‘priorities’, thanks to the industrial age. Having multiple first things is an oxymoron.
  2. Ever since I first read this book back in 2018, I was introduced to the idea that I have been carrying around ever since – Make that one decision that will eliminate a thousand decisions in the future.
    • This is a very powerful statement and a very succinct way of looking at things. Greg McKeown argues that making decisions are the hardest things that we do in life so it’s important to simplify the process as much as possible and remove as many of the options as possible – a process of elimination to reach the best decision.
    • One example, as a result of this, is that I eliminated almost 80% of my wardrobe and replaced everything with black crew-neck T-shirts (much to my wife’s continued disapproval and horror). I made that one decision that eliminated a thousand in the future. Now I don’t need to decide every day what to wear- the decision is already made – it’s a black crew-neck every day. (I later read that Mark Zuckerberg and Barack Obama also wear the same clothes every day – Read more here).
    • If you want to learn more about decision fatigue and how this one statement has led me to automate most repeated decisions, I recommend you read this article here.
  3. I started saying no to almost all social invitations and engagements (again, much to my wife’s continued disapproval and dislike). I have 2 very simple criteria that a social event, where I am meeting people in a group and not one-on-one need to check; entertainment OR knowledge/information. If I feel I will not be gaining either or if the invite clashes with another commitment – the answer is a polite no.
  4. In saying no I also realised that no doesn’t need to be rude and more importantly I don’t need to apologise for turning down an invite or a request. Before reading this book, I wouldn’t say no very often and when I did, I often felt very guilty and found myself apologising for doing so. I have recognised that I don’t need to be sorry for prioritising my life, my time and putting my needs and myself first.
  5. Another big change in my life after reading this book was the creation and discipline of routine. I used to think that routines are boring, mundane and repetitive. However, after reading this book I realised that routines can automate daily decision making to free up the mind to do more important work. I have written an article in the past detailing the benefits and the process of creating routines which you can read here.
  6. I started setting smaller daily/weekly goals for myself as opposed to longer term, bigger goals. And where I did have bigger goals I broke them up into smaller goals with regular check ins. The reason? Of all the human motivations the most effective is progress – this is the power of small wins. I want to win every day. Not just a few times a year with the big goals. That’s why I will be putting small goals for myself every day and once I complete that goal – I have a win. It motivates me to do more.
    • I am teaching my little girl how to ride a bike, however, due to a lack of skill, practice and confidence she keeps pushing the brake and bringing the bike to a complete stop very often. This causes me to think about momentum. It’s easier to keep going once you get started instead of starting over and over. In life – keep the momentum going. Small wins create momentum to realise big goals in life.
    • For bigger goals, I constantly ask myself; What is the smallest form of progress I can make on this goal? What is the minimum viable progress?

Practical Takeaways

  1. Too many choices cause decision fatigue. Eliminate the choices first then make a decision.
  2. Essentialism is a discipline that is not practised periodically but applied every time we face a decision.
  3. Focus is not only something we have but also something we do – it is a verb.
  4. Good enough is not good. You can do better by committing to and doing less.
  5. Everyone is selling something; an idea, a viewpoint, an opinion – in exchange for your time. Protect your time.
  6. The endowment effect – our tendency to undervalue things that aren’t ours and to overvalue things because we already own them.
  7. Take inputs from everywhere but like a good editor, decide what stays in the final cut and what doesn’t.
  8. Master the art of deliberate subtraction.
  9. Writing more, doing more, saying yes to more things is lazy. Being thoughtful about condensing your writing, action, commitments, project and intentions of life takes time and effort that most people don’t invest.
  10. Don’t rob people of their problems. Once you solve their problems for them, you are also taking away their ability to solve problems. They will always look for your help.
  11. Effort and results don’t have a linear correlation. More efforts don’t always produce more results. Ask yourself; Is there a point at which doing more does not produce more? Is there a point at which doing less (but thinking more) will actually produce better outcomes? More is not always more. sometimes ‘less but better’ is a sounder approach to life.
  12. Set distraction-free time in a distraction-free zone to do nothing else but think.
  13. Doing less is actually harder and not easier because you need to weigh up all the options and make a decision to go big on and then you need to live with that decision.

Things I have/will be implementing after reading this book:

  1. Saying; I choose to do X instead of, I have to (we always have the ability to choose, we may not control the options but we have the ability to choose between them).
  2. Building a system to execute things and more importantly, asking myself; How will I know I am done? How will I measure it?
  3. In the book, the author runs an exercise to clean up your wardrobe and when you have items you are undecided on, he suggests asking; If I didn’t already own this item, how much would I pay to obtain it now? This same questioning can be applied to opportunities and commitments.
  4. Over prepared is always better than underprepared. Always be accurately prepared.
  5. Allowing buffer and extra time for tasks – as a rule of thumb – always allowing 50% extra time.
  6. Produce more, bring forth more, not by doing more but eliminating the resistance to doing and eradicating noise.

My Favourite Quotes

  • “If you don’t prioritise your life, someone else will”
  • “The pursuit of success can be a catalyst for failure. Success can distract us from the things that produce success”
  • “Do the right things at the right time for the right reasons.”
  • “Essentialism is not a way to do more things – it is a different way to do everything”
  • “You can do anything, but not everything”
  • “More is not always more. Sometimes ‘less but better’ is a healthier approach to life.”
  • “Sometimes what you don’t do is just as important to what you do”
  • “Without great solitude, no serious work is possible – Pablo Picasso”
  • “If you are too busy to think and reflect – then you are just too busy to improve and learn.”
  • “Our highest priority is to protect our ability to prioritise.”
  • “No is a complete sentence – Anne Lamott”
  • “To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, subtract things every day – Lao Tzu”
  • “We may be able to multitask but we cannot multi-focus”

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How To Develop and Raise Your Self-Worth

In my previous article, I talked about the process with which we acquire our self-worth. In this one, I want to delve into the details of the process of undoing some of that past conditioning to improve and raise our self-worth. 

Know thyself

  1. This advice is as old as time itself. The most fundamental of all self-improvement journeys. Knowing your own self. 
    What this does is tells you who you are — intrinsically and what value you can create in the world for yourself and for others. This creates the base of all your efforts in life.
  2. One of the key aspects of knowing yourself is to recognise and listen to the patterns of your inner voice. The little voice in your head that is constantly narrating your day (and your life), constantly telling you what you can and can’t do, telling you how you are going to fail, how you shouldn’t do anything bold and risky and encouraging you to always take the known path — that little voice — which is not so little after all.
  3. In order to (truly) know yourself, you must be willing to question yourself and everything you carry as truth. You must be willing to let go and reassess every idea and notion you hold about yourself and how the world operates. In the words of Apple’s marketing team, that we hear every year; “building from the ground up”.
  4. For me, this didn’t happen until perhaps I was 30 years old. It is a bit late in life but some folks never have the realisation. It wasn’t until then that I truly started to understand my motivations, fears, aspirations, true likes and dislikes — and that is when my life started to transform — an inner transformation — in the true sense of the word. 

Actions — DO:

  • Start spending more time with yourself and less with everyone else.
  • Start observing your thoughts — either in the form of silent meditation or journalising — ideally both (meditation followed by journaling).
  • Start noticing all the things you take for granted — keep a daily list — you will be surprised.
  • Start questioning all your assumptions and beliefs about the world and yourself — including your religion, all your biases, your privileges, your patriotism, your (perceived) superiorities and your inferiorities. Question everything and ask yourself why do you believe it? What is the source of this truth? Is it internal to you or external?

Accept yourself — stop resisting your nature

  1. Once you get a better understanding of who you are and what you truly desire the next step is to start working with your true nature.
  2. Don’t try to be everything to everyone. If you are naturally inclined towards something then do that. Stop trying to push too hard in the opposite direction. If you are just learning to swim then don’t try to do it upstream. Set your own expectations for yourself and don’t follow societal constraints of wealth, status and life. 
    This is hard to do and even harder to realise that you are following societal expectations and not following our own true desires. Fish do not know they are in the water — only when they are out of it do they realise it.
  3. Once you accept yourself, only then you can start to transform yourself and make a real effort towards your true goals.

Actions — DO:

  • Stop complaining — about everything — out loud obviously but even in your thoughts. Complaining is a way of feeling superior where you are not. It is also a way of reinforcing a sense of helplessness. One of them is an underlying reason for your complaints.
  • I use a simple counter app for this. Every time I complain in speech or thought, I add +1. At the end of the day, I tally the score. The goal is always to be less than yesterday and the ultimate goal is to be at zero.
  • Stop judging yourself and others and stop comparing yourself. Just be.

Take care of yourself

  1. One of the most underrated aspects of living a good life and raising your self-worth is taking care of yourself.
  2. You and only you are responsible for your happiness and wellbeing. Not your family, not your community, not your government, not your employer, not your teachers or preachers. You are responsible for yourself and your growth, wellbeing and prosperity. Start taking ownership of your life and stop blaming everything that is out of your control. Until you realise this, you cannot move on and make progress. Yes sometimes we are in situations that impact us greatly that we cannot control (war, natural disasters, a global pandemic etc) but how we choose our response to these events is totally within our control. (Watch this video I made that addresses choice and control. You can also read this previous article on this topic).
  3. Another way of taking care of yourself is by changing your environment and taking care of your energy and mental health. As mentioned in the previous article, if you are surrounded by negative people who do not appreciate your efforts, you may find it hard to do so yourself which can often lead to a compromised self-wroth. 
    If possible and within your control — change your environment. Change the circle of friends who are not supportive. Change the people you spend time with. And remember it’s better to be in solitude than being with the wrong people. Read books instead, listen to podcasts, audiobooks — make some of the best authors in the world your friends and spend time ‘listening’ to them.

Actions — DO:

  • Self-care is vital to living a meaningful life. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. I have written and spoken in great detail about this.
  • Watch this video
  • Read this article
  • Read good quality books on psychology, philosophy and self-help to learn more about the world. Visit this link to find top book recommendations.
  • Put your own mask first before helping others.

Change your inner voice

  1. Once you have done all the above-mentioned steps, it is now time to change that inner voice by actively choosing a more proactive and positive language with yourself.
  2. People often undersell themselves. Make fun of themselves before anyone else does to deal with the potential anxiety. Set limitations and expectations around themselves in front of others — these are coping mechanisms. They are protecting themselves from (potential, imagined) criticism. Stop it. Instead, step into your greatness. Make a social contract. Let the pressure build and compel you to do more.
  3. Imagine talking to your friends, or spouse or even your mum the way you talk to yourself — you will soon find, to your surprise, you will be left with no friends, looking for a divorce lawyer and rudely written out of mum’s will.
  4. Catch yourself in dialogue with yourself as often as possible, set a reminder on your phone multiple times a day if you have to.
  5. The goal here is to catch the negative self-talk and turn it into positive self-talk — the voice of encouragement as opposed to the voice of reason and fear.

Identify your competencies and develop them

  1. Make a list of all the things you are good at, it doesn’t matter how small or inconsequential they may be. Everyone is good at something. Do you know how to make a killer peanut butter and jam sandwich? Chuck it on the list. If you are being supercritical and find it super hard to come up with much then go to a trusted confidant (spouse, sibling, friend, teacher) and ask them to tell you what they think you are good at. The goal of this exercise is:
  • To tell you that in spite of all your negative self-talk and lowered self-worth you are still good at many many things.
  • To make you realise, if you are good at these, you can be good at other things too  — with practice and some guidance you can perhaps be great at many things.
  • Develop a baseline from which you propel yourself to feel good about existing competencies and inspire motivation and action to become better at others. Ultimately valuing yourself higher. All in effect, to raise your self-worth.

2. Even if you have been rejected or failed at something in the past (getting a job, getting a date, a business) list out all the skills you have and can acquire to be successful at it in the future were you to try again.

Own the praise that comes your way

  1. When you view yourself as not worthy then dealing with praise is hard — you question the honesty and intention of the person offering you the praise.
  2. But if you have identified yourself as being competent at things (hopefully many things), that should make this step slightly easier.
  3. If someone praises you for something then verify it internally and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Don’t reject it straight away. And add this quality to your (growing) list of competencies from the previous point.
  4. Accepting praise and feeling worthy of it will help you shine and step into your greatness.
  5. It will encourage you to do better and further improve yourself. It will create a snowball effect.

Let Action Define Self-Worth

Self-wroth is mostly about reflections. What the world reflects back at you. So, what you put out there in the world is what will be reflected back. You may feel insecure, unworthy and devalued but it is important to push through these and make the efforts and contributions that you want — consistently. It feeds the loop and reinforces the positive feedback.

Often people misunderstand that action is the result of motivation. It’s not. Motivation is fleeting. It’s not consistent. It comes on its whims and leaves when it wants. Action on the other hand can be consistent. Action precedes motivation and can summon motivation at will. Through consistency, action can inspire motivation. Similarly, action can precede self-wroth. Your positive actions can make you value yourself higher.

In the end

Do all the above-mentioned steps consistently for 60 days and on the other side of the 60 days will be a brand new version of you. A much better version with a completely new understanding of the world and of yourself.

Imagine a world where everyone lives to their fullest potential. Can you imagine the possibilities of health, happiness, wealth and innovation where everyone realises their wildest dreams? 
Raise your self-wroth and become worthy of the success you seek and live to your fullest potential.

Now go and be awesome.

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Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Todd Gilbert – Book Summary


Date Read: 20 July 2020
My Rating: 9/10
Goodreads

The Book in 3 Sentences

  1. A deep dive into the psychology of happiness and what we think makes us happy (it is usually not what we think it is).
  2. Based on hundreds of studies and researches, a break down of our process of thinking about the past, present and future and how we related that to our emotions, relationships, behaviours and overall life.
  3. Don’t believe everything you remember, think and imagine – the brain only keep snippets of information and not the whole thing and it is probably leaving out or filling in lots of details (its making shit up).

Overall Thoughts

This is by far one of the best books I have read in many many years. So good in fact I read it twice in a year. It presents a plethora of good science and facts with a humorous undertone – which makes it very enjoyable. Although not a very easy read (lots of studies, dense facts, research etc) but it is a very informative book, so do take your time with it.

Who is this book for?

Short answer – Anyone who wants to be happy and understand happiness.

Long answer – Anyone who wants to understand our motivations, reasons, and predictability of happiness. Anyone curious to understand the process of happiness and most importantly what we think will make us happy versus what actually does make us happy. Anyone who wishes to understand the working of our brain and how we happiness relates to our memory of the past and our predictions of the future.

Impacts On My Life

  1. This book has made me realise how we perceive and think of happiness with our limited faculties of recalling the past, imagination and envisioning a future.
  2. It has given me a deeper understanding and a deeper look into my own thinking and my own understanding of the world, my world view and my understanding of my uniqueness and that of others.
  3. This book has shown me the fallacies of my own mind and shown me how we can fall prey to our own, well-intentioned, thinking.

Main Points & Ideas

  1. Happiness is subjective – it is an emotional state and cannot really be explained – everyone experiences happiness differently based on their unique experiences and cannot be compared. Even when we try to compare our own experiences it’s complicated because we are comparing our existing experience, that we’re currently having, with a memory of an experience and memories can often be very unreliable.
  2. Our brain does not hold memories in its entirety but keeps snippets and highlights. Hence our memories are not a good reliance on the past – most often we remember our feelings of the event. The brain is reweaving the experiences and not retrieving them. Information acquired after an event can alter the memory of the event. Our brains fill in and leave out details of past memories and future imaginations – that’s not the problem, the problem is we are not aware of it and the brain does it without consulting us!
  3. Once we have had an experience, we simply cannot set it aside, as we now base all future predictions, past memories and present, based on this (subjective) experience.
  4. People can often be wrong about their feelings. Our interpretations of our feelings are based on what we think caused them. For example, feeling pain and believing that we are feeling pain looks very much alike in our brains. Experience implies participation in an event and awareness implies observation. We all experience them but not everyone is aware that they are experiencing emotions.
  5. When we imagine how something will feel in the future – we imagine how it will feel now and then allow for a fact that now and later are different things. We base our predictions of the future on our present and we often make the mistake of thinking that the future will be similar to the present. Also, when we try to think of the past, about relationships, and about our feelings, political views, grief – we base our answers and memories on how we feel on the issue now. Hence we find it hard to feel good about an imagined future when we are too busy feeling bad about the actual present. Our brains have this Reality First policy.
  6. If we experience the world exactly how it is, then we would be too depressed, but if we experience it exactly how we want it to be then we would be too deluded. A healthy psychological immune system makes us feel good enough about the situation to deal with it and bad enough to do something about it. When an experience makes us feel sufficiently unhappy (above a certain threshold) the psychological immune systems kicks in and cooks facts and shifts the blame to offer us a positive (retrospective) view of the situation.
  7. Explanations allow us to understand the events and makes sense of how they can happen again. Unexplained events have a novelty – they strike us as unusual and rare which extends the extent of their emotional impact. When we cannot explain an event or something it lingers in our minds – it becomes a mystery or a conundrum. Our curious minds keep going back to them.
  8. We all feel we are unique and not like others and definitely not average. That is why we often don’t listen to others’ advise – I am unique hence my reasons for pursuing and doing something are unique too and someone else cannot feel what I am feeling so their advice and experience, although good, does not entirely apply to me.

Key Takeaways for Me

  1. Don’t compare your happiness with someone else – it’s all a subjective experience. It is all a you-know-what-I-mean feeling, which cannot be explained.
  2. More options and variety lead to ultimate dissatisfaction because we always keep comparing to the alternatives – keep choices and options to a bare minimum.
  3. I have learnt that negative events don’t affect us for as long or as hard as we think they will. Most people who experience major traumas (rape, physical assault, natural disasters) claim their lives have been enhanced by the experience.
  4. After making a decision don’t look at the alternatives. When we have the option to swap, change, exchange we have the tendency to do so or at least like what we picked less as we always keep comparing to the alternative. In choosing freedom we often choose less satisfaction. We often feel more regrets when we find out the alternative rather than when we don’t.

My Favourite Quotes

  • “Our experiences instantly become part of the lens through which we view our entire past, present, and future, and like any lens, they shape and distort what we see.”
  • “We think we are thinking outside the box but we don’t realise how big the box really is”
  • “Distorted views of reality are made possible by the fact that experiences are ambiguous—that is, they can be credibly viewed in many ways, some of which are more positive than others. To ensure that our views are credible, our brain accepts what our eye sees. To ensure that our views are positive, our eye looks for what our brain wants.”
  • “Regret is an emotion we feel when we blame ourselves for unfortunate outcomes that might have been prevented had we only behaved differently in the past, and because that emotion is decidedly unpleasant, our behaviour in the present is often designed to preclude it”
  • “We don’t just treasure our memories – we are our memories”
  • “Our memory for emotional episodes is overly influenced by unusual instances, closing moments, and theories about how we must have felt way back then”
  • “We not only pass our genes to make people who look like us but we also pass on our beliefs to make people who think like us”
  • “If you are like most people, then like most people, you don’t know you’re like most people.”
  • “Social structures (such as religions and castes) and physical structures (such as mountains and oceans) were the great dictators that determined how, where, and with whom people would spend their lives, which left most folks with little to decide for themselves.”
  • “Each one of us is trapped in a place, time or circumstance and our attempts to use our rational minds to transcend those boundaries are not effective.”
  • “Our perceptions are not the result of a physiological process by which our eyes somehow transmit an image of the world into our brains, but rather, they are the result of a psychological process that combines what our eyes see with what we already think, feel, know, want, and believe, and then uses this combination of sensory information and pre-existing knowledge to construct our perception of reality.” – Immanuel Kant
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How We Get Our Self-Worth and Why It Matters

If you google ‘how we get our self-worth’ or ‘how we get our self-esteem’, almost every post and article will tell you that our self-worth and self-esteem is not the product of the outside world but of our inner workings and to have better self-worth we need to fix it from the inside. The second part of that is absolutely correct but the first is absolutely rubbish. Believe me.

If our self-worth is derived not based on the outside world and it’s all an inside job (which to a great extent it is) — where do we get this assessment of ourselves? Are we born with it? Nature over nurture? I am not saying this is how it should be, but this is how it actually works:

So what does define our self-worth?

Our self-worth is derived from and dependent on the reactions others have to our actions and opinions, and more importantly, they are based on the judgments others hold for us.
How we see the world is based on our perception of the world, or the world view we carry — our paradigm, which is quite often shaped by external events and information.
And how we see ourselves in this world is based on what is reflected back to us.
How the world sees us, is very often how we end up seeing ourselves too. We assess our self-worth based on the opinions and judgements we receive from others from a very early age. Our value is dependent on how others value our actions, contributions and what feedback we receive for them.
‘My parent/teacher/sibling sees/treats/thinks of me like X hence I must be.’

Early Age

Tell a 2-year-old child every day that she is clumsy and eventually you will have a clumsy 5-year-old. (Don’t actually do it please). It turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This child’s self-view is she is clumsy — internal? Yes — it has become her inner voice. What is it based on? External events, ie you tell her she is clumsy.

In our early years we all have our actions and thinking validated (good job, good girl, well done etc). Early caregivers (parents, teachers, preachers and so on) put a judgement on our actions and tell us if it was good or not. On par or not based on their standards and worldviews. Their judgements end up defining our self-worth and value.
Even at the tender age of 2, we start to value our actions and by the external measure of someone else’s expectations. Our self-worth is absolutely a product of the external world and the opinions others hold of us. As we age these become parts of our personality and our character — which ultimately defines our destiny.

Religion

Another important dimension of life that reinforces our self-worth is our religious indoctrination. Almost every one of us has been brought up with some sort of systematic religious teachings, whether directly in our homes or indirectly through the broader community and peer groups.
Almost all major religions teach the principles of predestination in some form or the other and when you tell people (especially at an early age) that their efforts have a limited impact on the outcome of their lives, it creates a glass ceiling. It becomes a definition of how they view their efforts, contributions and ultimately their self-worth. Yes, the opposing idea of freewill is also forced upon the same coin but, according to most beliefs, all predestined nevertheless. I do not suppose you can have both; freewill and predestination. One contradicts the other and they do not work together.
This, I understand, can be a debate that can go on forever but the point here is this: Although the idea of predestination might be a good consolation for some, perhaps much later in life to offer an overall positive (retrospective) view of life’s failures, moving forward, it sets people up in a limited manner by setting arbitrary boundaries on the outcomes of their efforts.

In other words, people start to feel; no matter what I do and how much effort I put in, the end is already decided and mostly out of my control, so why bother? Although most people don’t say it out loud and, in an outward fashion, don’t exactly behave this way either. They, in fact, do put in the effort and try to make things happen — but when deep within your core you feel everything is predestined, even your efforts are done inadequately based on limiting beliefs. And the crux of this argument is in the action of someone giving up and saying — ‘it is/was just not meant to be’.
Half-assed efforts because they never actually believed it could be done due to a compromised self-worth.

Environment

If you are surrounded by people who don’t appreciate your efforts, you might also struggle to see your contributions as meaningful and valuable. It is easy to feel you are not good enough if that is the general vibe around you and if that is what you are told, directly or indirectly.
Jim Rohn famously said that ‘you are the average of the five people you spend your time with’. To add to that, your self-worth is also the product of those five people’s opinions of you. Your environment makes a huge difference in how you view yourself. An environment can not only build a certain belief about self-worth but can also be conducive to reaffirming and reinforcing certain beliefs.

Self-worth defines actions

“Self-worth should be less about measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person.” ― Dr. Lisa Firestone

In other words, self-worth should be about who you are, not about what you do. But how do you know who you are without any external validation? How do you know what you are worth if there is no comparison point, no reference, no anchor? After all, isn’t everything relative?

If you think you are not worthy of a goal, you can have the best teachers, trainers and spend all the effort and money in the world but not achieve that goal. I am going to use an exercise metaphor here; if you think and believe that you cannot bench-press 100kg then no matter what you do, and how much time and money you invest in this endeavour via the best trainers, gear and nutrition — if you do not believe then you will not be able to achieve it.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right” — Henry Ford

Self-worth defines the actions and efforts we make towards a goal. It defines how we see our place in the world and how we see what we deserve in life. Those are some serious consequences of an internal belief and if it is not adjusted correctly, then you are living a life that is less than the one you are capable of.

All that is the bad news. The good news is that it’s a mental block and it can be fixed — with considerable time and effort and obviously a deep understanding and willingness. The first step to fixing a problem is recognising that there is one.

In my next article, I will discuss the ways in which we can raise our self-worth and actually live our best life. Stay tuned 🙂

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Categories

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck – Book Summary


Date Read: 19 August 2021
My Rating: 7/10
Goodreads

The Book in 3 Sentences

  1. We all have two mindsets, a fixed and a growth mindset, and they surface in different situations and scenarios in life based on various triggers.
  2. Effort is not meant for those who have no talents or skills, but the right efforts, skills and talents can be cultivated just like a growth mindset.
  3. Our personality and our ability to learn and evolve is not fixed. With years of training, effort and hard work the true potential of anyone could be realised – which in the present is unknown and unknowable.

Overall Thoughts

Although I have read similar wisdom in other books over the years, this book changed my outlook on how I think about my own mindset. This book made me realise that in each of us both the fixed and growth mindset exists and depending on the various situations of life each one surfaces. Being a parent of a 4-year-old, what resonated most with my in this book was the section on teaching and parenting and I have learned not only how to assess my fixed mindset and develop a growth mindset but also how to help cultivate it in another person. However, I do feel the book does a very good job in explaining how the differences between a fixed and growth mindset but falls a bit short in the practical applications of developing a growth mindset which is something you would expect from a book called Mindset.

Who is this book for?

The chapters of the book are split into various aspects of life; Parenting, Teaching, Leadership, Sports etc. Anyone who wants to gain an understanding of the different mindsets and get a window into their own mindsets should read this book. This book is particularly useful for parents, educators, leaders and sports coaches – people who can nurture and encourage others to grow.

Impacts On My Life

  1. This book made me realise how I often operate with a fixed mindset, and it helped me identify my fixed mindset triggers and persona.
  2. I have learned that after a failure, we should use the experience and the available resource not to protect and nurse our bruised egos but to reflect and learn from the experience – the growth mindset way.
  3. Trying to exert as little effort as possible is a hallmark characteristic of the fixed mindset.
  4. As a parent, I realised that my child is a growing and developing person and my commitment, above anything else, should be towards their development – body, mind and spirit. And the best gift I can give my child is to teach her to love challenges, be curious about mistakes and progress, enjoy hard work and effort, and seek new strategies to keep on learning.

Main Points & Ideas

Effort / Skill / Talent

  1. People with the fixed mindset see effort as a bad thing, because if they need to put in effort in anything then it means they don’t have the talent, skill or a natural ability for this. Whereas, people with a growth mindset view effort as the hallmark action of growing your abilities and skills and becoming more talented.
  2. Potential is someone’s capacity to develop, over time – what they can be – not what they are right now. We do not know where someone can go with the right effort, training and coaching – their true potential.
  3. People tend to blame their lack of excellence and accomplishment on a lack of talent and skills, where else what they actually lack is the right effort. The reason effort is terrifying is it robs you of your excuses. Without effort and imagination, you can always be more but with effort, you cannot say that anymore.
  4. Without effort, we can be many things but once we put in the effort, try hard and perhaps fail then we don’t see the possibility – hence we don’t like to put in the effort and try.

Failure & Challenge

  1. People with a growth mindset thrive when they are stretched and challenged. They get their thrill from learning new things and hard things. However, when people with a fixed mindset are challenged and things get hard – and they don’t feel validated, smart or talented – they lose interest. They get their thrill from what is easy – what they have already mastered. They like the known and staying in their comfort zone.
  2. In the fixed mindset, a failure becomes an identity and tends to define future efforts and outcomes. (I am a failure, therefore I will continue to fail). However, in the growth mindset, even though failure is a painful experience, it does not define you. It is something to deal with, face and learn from.
  3. We like to see extraordinary people as fundamentally different from us. We like to see them as talented or born with skills not bestowed upon mere mortals as ourselves. Furthermore, we like to see them as superheroes who are born different. We do not see them as relatively normal people who made themselves extraordinary through effort and hard work and perhaps repeated failures.

Consistency and Character

  1. Skills, talents and abilities can get you where you want to be, but to stay there and continue to be at the top of your game you need consistency. You need to keep working as hard or even harder once you have ‘made it’ to stay there, and that takes character – the character and consistency to keep showing up.
  2. “Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It’s about seeing things in a new way. When people—couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers, parents and children, teachers and students—change to a growth mindset, they change from a judge-and-be-judged framework to a learn-and-help-learn framework.”

Relationships

  1. With a fixed mindset navigating relationships, particularly marriage can be quite challenging. With a fixed mindset, people either tend to blame their own ‘permanent’ qualities of their partners.
  2. Failures and setbacks become about protecting your own egos and always trying to prove your competence which eventually puts you in a competition with your own partner to try and constantly prove you are the smarter one, knowledgeable one, intelligent one and so on.
  3. Most relationships face a tough time because when people encounter a partner with desires and need different to theirs, they don’t know how to deal with those differences, as they have not learned to do that. A fixed mindset keeps you within the realm of the known and your comfort zone.
  4. The ultimate goal of a marriage and any relationship really is to encourage your partner’s development and have them encourage yours.

Parenting

  1. Praise matters, and how we praise matters even more. As a parent, it is fairly common and easy to fall into the trap of praising kids for their abilities, actions, intelligence etc. However, praising them for their intelligence and brilliance does lots of harm to their performance as well as their motivation. If we tell our kids they are smart, clever, intelligent for achieving and accomplishing something, then what are they when they don’t? “If success means they’re smart, then failure means they’re dumb.”
  2. Doing the easy things. If children are praised for completing something, then the next time they try and avoid doing the hard things – for fear of not completing it and in return not getting the praise they relished in.
  3. Praise must be given to children’s efforts, hard work and focus towards a task. Even showing interest in their work and effort goes a long way.
  4. As parents and society at large, we tend to protect our children from failure and criticism in order to boost their confidence and self-esteem. However, children require honest and constructive feedback in order to learn.
  5. In the spirit of discipline and teaching their kids rules, most parents don’t realise the message they are sending – ‘If you don’t do what I say, you will be judged and punished’. Instead, what needs to be taught to kids is how to think through the problems they are facing and make their own smart decision.
  6. Some parents and educators think that lowering the bar will make it easier for kids and give them a winning and successful experience in order to boost their self-esteem, leading to long term achievement. Unfortunately, it does not work. It ends up creating poorly educated children who feel entitled to easy work followed by easy praise.
  7. Next time you’re in a position to discipline, ask yourself, What is the message I’m sending here: I will judge and punish you? Or I will help you think and learn?

Key Takeaways for Me

  1. The story of the hare and the tortoise gave effort a bad name. It suggests that effort is for plodders and if and when the talented ones stuff up is the only time when plodders can win – with effort.
  2. Effort is the cornerstone of accomplishments – not talent, skills and genius.
  3. Winning and losing is not as important as putting in your best effort and learning something new. Did I win? Did I lose? Those are the wrong questions. The correct question is: Did I make my best effort?, did I learn?
  4. As a parent, I have also learned that when my child has a setback and I react with anxiety or with concern about her ability, this enforces more of a fixed mindset. Her abilities are growing, and she is learning new things every day. With the right effort, she will overcome these small setbacks.
  5. The process of trying, learning and developing yourself is more important than just the outcomes.
  6. In the fixed mindset, both positive and negative labels can mess with your mind. When you’re given a positive label, you’re afraid of losing it (so you do very little new work to put yourself at risk of failure), and when you’re hit with a negative label, you’re afraid of deserving it.
  7. Identify your fixed mindset persona based on your triggers – and give this persona a name – make it obvious to be identified in the future. For example; my fixed mindset persona is Mr Zehmat (rhymes with my name and means bother/botheration/annoyance/irritation). Zehmat shows up every time I try to do something challenging that requires focus and attention, or something out of my comfort zone. Zehmat tries to protect me from failure and disappointment, but in effect limits my abilities and outcomes.
  8. This fixed mindset persona that exists in almost all of us is born to protect us and keep us safe, and it is usually born at a very young age – children as young as toddlers tend to have a fixed mindset based on their experiences with failure. Over time, this fixed mindset persona doesn’t develop new tools but exists in its limited ways. And the best thing to do to overcome and educate this persona is to take on challenges and sticking to them, bounce back from failure, and helping and supporting others to grow.

Things I will be implementing after reading this book:

  1. Overcoming the fixed mindset
    • It starts by accepting that we all have both mindsets.
    • Then we learn to recognise what triggers our fixed mindset. Failures? Criticism? Deadlines? Disagreements?
    • And we come to understand what happens to us when our fixed-mindset “persona” is triggered. Who is this persona? What’s its name? What does it make us think, feel, and do? How does it affect those around us?
    • Importantly, we can gradually learn to remain in a growth-mindset place despite the triggers, as we educate our persona and invite it to join us on our growth-mindset journey.
    • Ideally, we will learn more and more about how we can help others on their journey, too.
  2. At the end of the day, asking myself and my family:
    • What did you learn today?
    • What mistake did you make that taught you something?
    • What did you try hard at today?”
  3. When someone compares themselves to another, asking them is he/she’s actually smarter than you or just more experienced? And what do you need to get to that level?
  4. Using new language to help my daughter with learning and becoming better
    • “It is not entirely about you and your performance. It is a teacher’s job to find every possible flaw. Your job is to learn from the critique and make your outcome even better.”
    • “It must be a terrible thing to feel that everyone is evaluating you, and you can’t show what you know. We want you to know that we are not evaluating you. We care about your learning, and we know that you’ve learned your stuff. Likewise, we’re proud that you’ve stuck to it and kept learning.”
    • “Everyone learns differently. Let’s keep trying to find the way that works for you.”
    • I know it’s so disappointing to have your hopes up and to perform your best but not to win. But you know, you haven’t really earned it yet. There were many kids there who’ve been in [fill in the activity] longer than you and who’ve worked a lot harder than you. If this is something you really want, then it’s something you’ll really have to work for.” If you want to do it purely for fun, that was just fine. But if you want to excel in the competitions, more is required.
    • Champs are the people who work the hardest. Anyone can become a champ by working hard. “Tomorrow, tell me something you’ve done to become a champ.”

My Favourite Quotes

  • “A person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it’s impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training”
  • “In one world—the world of fixed traits—success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other—the world of changing qualities—it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself.”
  • “Becoming is better than being.” The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming.”
  • “Lurking behind that self-esteem of the fixed mindset is a simple question: If you’re somebody when you’re successful, what are you when you’re unsuccessful? “
  • “Instead of trying to learn from and repair their failures, people with the fixed mindset may simply try to repair their self-esteem.”
  • “No matter what your ability is, effort is what ignites that ability and turns it into accomplishment.”
  • “The top is where the fixed-mindset people hunger to be, but it’s where many growth-minded people arrive as a by-product of their enthusiasm for what they do.”
  • “If you don’t give anything, don’t expect anything. Success is not coming to you, you must come to it.”
  • “You have to apply yourself each day to becoming a little better. By applying yourself to the task of becoming a little better each and every day over a period of time, you will become a lot better.” – Coach Wooden
  • “Don’t judge. Teach. It’s a learning process”

Illustration

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The Myth of A Balanced Life

What is a balanced life in the modern age? We hear work-life balance all the time. What does it actually mean? To me, this indicates that on one side you have work — and on the other you have life. This statement in essence creates a divide between your life and work.

In today’s world, we are always connected, we are always available. There is no healthy balance in life. Nor should you aim for it (this is obviously dependent on what you want from life). So what does work-life balance mean anyway? Let us explore each in a bit more detail.

Work

Taking the usual societal explanation, work is regarded as anything you do to earn a living — emphasis on the word living. The thing you do to make money, so you can pay for a life. You get paid to do this thing. Whether you love your job or profession, or you hate it, it is something you do to earn money to support your life. We often tell ourselves, our families and colleagues that we always had a passion to pursue this career, profession and job that we happen to find ourselves in (accountant, an office administrator or a project manager etc). We say it over and over again until we start believing it.

Life

In this context, life is anything that you do outside of work — to not earn money but to enjoy and relax and get away from work. Things like; Playing sports, socialising with friends and family, going to the gym, or yoga or a walk, watching movies, reading books and taking holidays. All the things that are not ‘work’ — that you perhaps are not getting paid to do. The real fun stuff in life, for which we endure the ‘work’. Don’t forget this also includes all the maintenance stuff, making meals, cleaning your house, cutting your nails, cleaning the litter tray, washing your laundry — it’s a package, to have the fun you need to do the work and the maintenance.

The Balance

Now that we have an understanding of work and life in the context of work-life balance. Let us take a closer look at this balance. But I want to start by not telling you something, but by asking a question. Outside of gender, religion, ethnicity and perhaps even a language group, what is the most important identity that people carry? What is your most important identity after all the aforementioned ‘groupings? Most often it is your profession, the thing(s) you do for a living. Whether you are a professional musician, a hairdresser, a financial advisor or a stay at home parent — it doesn’t matter. That is an identity that you have formed, accepted and perhaps are even proud of. This is one of the most common small talk questions at parties (and a way for people to assess how much importance or respect to give you); So, what do you do? Professions and the work we do for our livelihoods becomes a very strong and important identity in our lives.

I am going to expand the explanation of work and profession now to include things you do not necessarily get paid to do but instead, you do them because they bring you joy — like volunteering, helping your community, writing a blog, making YouTube videos, gardening — things, for which your intrinsic motivation is not money but the joy you get from doing the activity — it is not a means to an end, it is in fact the end.

Now, based on this understanding, let me ask you another question. If work is such a strong and important identity, then isn’t work something we should be embracing (much like we embrace and flaunt our religion, patriotism, and language groups) and not seeking a break and a balance from?
I have yet to encounter people who take a break from their religious or national identities and seek religion-life balance or patriotism-life balance.

Work literally dictates what we study, what we pay attention to, what kinds of people we spend the most time with, where we live, and what we spend most of our waking hours on. If you are a musician or a painter or a car salesperson — you probably want to live in a city or a locale that can get you the most exposure and provide for the best ‘scope’ for your work. Then why do we seek a work-life balance?
In this context, where does (should) work finish and life begins?
You say you are a professional but outside that profession, you have a separate life? In pursuit of what? Happiness? Shouldn’t your work bring you that?

Look At The Pros

Let me draw your attention to some names. Think of Picasso, Mozart, Michael Jordan, Stephen King, Gordon Ramsey, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, and I am sure you can think of thousands of others.
Where do you think their work ends and their life begins? Or is it all the same? Do you think these folks seek/sought a work-life balance when they are/were creating their masterpieces and changing the world? Or is/was their work their life?

Perhaps at this point, you want to draw a hard line and say .. ‘oh well they are all pros and I am nowhere near their level’. Is it because you are seeking a work-life balance and are being led to believe that your work and life should be two separate things?

By no means am I promoting workaholic values and a culture where you work non-stop and kill yourself. There should be dedicated time to look after your health (mental and physical), your family, your needs, your community and your overall wellbeing. But if you want to make any meaningful contribution to your work, life, the life of others and the world — then there should be no such divide between work and life. Your work is your life, and your life’s work is the work you do.

Modern life has become increasingly mediocre where we try to be everything to everyone, try to do everything and in the end, we end up not excelling at anything. At best, we are average at almost everything in life.

There is an alternative.

Define what is important to YOU and pursue that. Your definition would be and perhaps should be different to the next guy — you are unique based on your experiences, upbringing and opportunities hence, what is important to you should not look like the usual cookie-cutter advice for the rest of the vanilla world. However, be aware that the compromise with this approach is that excelling at one thing means sacrificing something else. Example — If you want your child to be a great football player, then perhaps you should stop the piano lessons you enrolled her into. Or, if you really want to be the best pastry chef, then start prioritising and follow this calling. And if anyone (particularly fake gurus on the internet) tells you that you can in fact have everything in life that you desire, you just have to close your eyes, visualise and believe in yourself — stop listening to them and unfollow them. Now. Stop believing this crap. Life is a matter of deciding your priority and making the decision of subtraction. You can actually have anything you want, but you need to focus on one thing at a time, one desire at a time — this is how the universe works.

In the end

I want you to ask yourself, where does your work end and your life begins? Or is it one and the same? All tied together in your identity?

Stop believing in the glass wall which separates your life and work, reminding you that your work is not your life, and it should not be.

I have always heard that life is all about finding balance — actually, it’s not — perhaps only if you want to be average at everything. Life should be about excelling and pursuing greatness. Having extreme success in any field in life and having a balanced life is just not possible. It’s a myth.

If you want to be the best at anything, then life is about finding all the things that you are willing to sacrifice for it — finding the non-essential, lower priority activities and letting them go in pursuit of being the best at something. That’s how life works. Share this with someone who needs to read this. Now go and be awesome and pursue greatness.

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Happiness Is Not Sustainable - Accept It.

Now, what do I mean by that?

Well, the things is we treat happiness as a destination. Something to arrive to. Something to work towards. Something to struggle towards. 
‘When I get this new job and I will be happy’ .. actually, that is only half the sentence, the complete sentence is ‘When I get this new job, I will be happy, for a short period of time.’ 
Because that will become the new normal. The same principle applies to everything else.

“When I get this bigger house/car/salary/‘fill in the blank’ I will be happy”

Part of the human condition is that we adjust to any situation (negative or positive) fairly quickly and make that our base condition, our new normal, to base all comparison against. This is in essence what a hedonic treadmill is.

You essentially have a set level of happiness where you consistently remain. When good things happen (winning a lottery, getting a new job, a new house etc), that level of happiness can spike up and similarly when bad things happen, that level of happiness can dip down. After good and bad events in your life, you eventually return to your set level of happiness over a period of time — the amount of time is different for everyone and relevant to the event itself but everyone almost always returns to their base level sooner or later.

Think of alcohol or substance addiction, over time the body gets used to it and you need more and more to get the same hit or high. Same is the case with happiness — you require more and more over time to feel ‘happy’. However, understanding how the hedonic treadmill operates in your life can make you experience the world more positively.

We can’t always keep on increasing our levels of happiness, so, what do you do about it?

Do not strive for happiness.

As Jordan Peterson has pointed out over and over — Do not strive for happiness.

Happiness is usually a consequence or an unintended outcome of certain events. In some of the best moments of your life, you were not actively pursuing happiness but rather a goal, target, or an intention. Happiness was a (positive) side effect of completing the said goal. 
Happiness is not something to chase or something out there to find. It is instead, a state of mind and a state of being. 
Ultimately, happiness is a choice.

More often than not, we don’t know what will make us happy in the long run and what we think will give us lasting happiness usually doesn’t. Needless to say, that is pretty ironic for us to not know what will make us happy while happiness is the one thing we claim to pursue. We are very bad at predicting our own future happiness. Therefore, bad at making decisions based on such predictions in pursuit of that happiness.

I will give you a minute (or two) to re-read that paragraph.

Why do we constantly want more?

There is, almost always, a base layer of emotion and need underneath all the surface level, ‘superficial’ desires; a bigger house, bigger salary, fame, status etc. This is in part the reason why the hedonic treadmill works because we don’t actually know what we truly want as we are not always in tune with our true desires and nature. Often the base desire is a need for security or wanting to grasp at permanence or creating certainty in our lives. 
Yes, we indeed need a base layer of security and comfort, but the root cause for this insatiable desire of wanting more and more is nothing more than insecurity and uncertainty. (Read my post on letting go of stuff for better insight into this)

So, it is important to understand the base layer emotions and then understand what will actually make you happy — not the things culture and society says will make you happy eg: a bigger house, faster car, bigger salary etc.

  1. So, the first step is to get in touch with your true nature and desires so you can know what will truly make you happy. Happiness is personalised and not one size fits all.
  2. And, in order to get in touch with your true nature and desires, you need to spend time with yourself, introspect and find what your own core values and priority.
  3. Once you know what it is that promises to make you happy — chase it. If you don’t go after what you want — it will not come to you. If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. Go out and make it happen.
  4. Repeat this process as often as needed. Remember, with time your priority and your needs change and so does your personality. So, whatever it is that is making you happy today might not do so in three years from now.

Getting off the hedonic treadmill

Some of the best ways to get off the hedonic treadmill and stoping the obsessive, insatiable need for more:

Ground yourself in the present

We plan for the future and often regret or reminisce the past. The present, however, is the only real moment that we ever have — Naimat Ahmed

(quoting myself in my own post — how meta)

This seems meaningful on a theoretical level, however, if you manage to internalise this and make it practical — it is life-altering. Learn to ground yourself in the present moment by training your awareness via meditation and spending time with yourself in solitude. The strategy to help ground you in the present moment involves the following:

  • Notice when you are getting caught up in thoughts about the future or the past
  • Stop what you’re doing and in your head name 3 things you can hear.
  • Take a look at the space around you and name 3 things you can see.
  • Name 3 things you can feel or touch. It might be your feet on the floor or the clothing against your skin, etc.

Be grateful for what you have

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” Need I say more? 
The more grateful you are for the things you already have in your life, over time, the less you will need. Gratitude is one of the best practices you can build for yourself. I advise you get a gratitude journal and start writing in it every day/night.

Make time for high-quality leisure

As Cal Newport has pointed out in his book Digital Minimalism– Make time for high-quality leisure. Intentional hobbies

Intentional activities like writing, playing music, creating art, or practising a sport have been known to prolong feelings of emotional satisfaction. Many people also derive satisfaction from endeavours like volunteering and charity work.

Find meaning & purpose in your life

If there is one thing that I would classify as the most important thing to identify and know in life is — the purpose or meaning of your life (Read my detailed post about this subject here). Again, there is no one size fit all and this is a highly personalised thing.

And again I echo Jordan Peterson’s words, don’t strive for happiness. Strive to be of value by finding a purpose and a meaning in your life. Create value not only for others but also for yourself.

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