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“Things are changing. But nothing changes. And still, there are changes” ― Michael Cretu

Change is happening all the time. Within you and outside of you. It is the one constant in this life. Sometimes it happens very fast yet other times very slow, over the course of millions of years. It also varies in scale, from the microscopic to a grand scale. It is happening with people, powers, nations, nature and the universe as a whole.

It is the most natural state of being in the universe. All things, animate and inanimate, go through and adapt to change as everything in this universe is constantly in a state of flux yet it is the one thing that we humans resist the most!

So why are we so opposed to change? Why do we resist it? Change of weather, governments, traffic conditions, change of management at work or change within our bodies (wrinkles and grey hair). Irrespective of the scale, why do we resist the most natural state of our being?

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Our Grasp Of Permanence

“Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.” ― W. Somerset Maugham

Everything in this universe is impermanent, including, perhaps the universe itself. Nothing lasts forever; trees, rivers, mountains, emotions, relations, nations, families, physical bodies and even our sorrows and struggles. This is the one indisputable fact of life – Nothing lasts forever.

Impermanence is, in fact, “the singular existential problem that the whole edifice of Buddhist practice is meant to address”. (Read more about impermanence here and here).
Our resistance to change is our vain attempt of holding onto things (that will eventually change). A way of creating a perceived sense of ‘stability’ in our lives. We feel as though we are always going to be young and full of energy. Our parents are going to live forever. Our children will always be ‘cute’ and love us forever. Our marriages and friendships are going to last forever. Maybe not, things will eventually change, for better or for worse. Yet we treat change as a threat to our current state of being – whether it be happy or otherwise. Are we so far removed from our natural states that we don’t recognise change as an essential agent of the universe and a catalyst for growth.

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Change Creates Uncertainty And Doubt

Change = Different.
With change comes uncertainty, as change enforces a new, and more importantly, a different way of thinking and doing things. We don’t like different – We prefer familiarity. We relish the known. Change forces us to be conscious, to become aware and re-examine our motivations, aspirations, methods and processes.
We are creatures of habit, we like our routines, comfort zones and our ‘old and trusted’ ways of doing things. Change pushes us to think in new ways and inhibits us to operate on autopilot any further, without putting much thought into our life. It pushes us to adjust our expectations, habits and reality accordingly. It is not always easy, in fact, more often than not, we find it hard.

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Change Creates The Fear Of Unknown

With change also comes the fear, the fear of unknown. Not only does change compels us to think and do things in a new way, but it also forces us to contemplate if the new way will, or will not work.

• Will I like this new country/city/neighbourhood/suburb I am moving to?
• Will I fit-in to this new workplace and its culture?
• Will this new car be as reliable as my old one?
• Will this new [fill in the blank] make me feel better or worse than the existing one?

We like knowing things, we like predictability and reliability. Change, however, pushes us in the realm of the unknown. The one thing humans have disliked, feared and struggled with the most throughout history is the unknown. We have, in fact, created intricate and elaborate stories of gods, creation, heavens and the mechanisms of the earth to deal with the unknown, most of which we now refer to as mythology (take a moment to let that sink in).

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Loss Of Control

Loss of control is one of the most important and overlooked reasons for resisting change. More than anything, humans like to be in control, to have a sense of autonomy, authority, dominance or power. Whether in a relationship, workplace or in the case of nations – We like control, we desire to feel important and we wish to have a say. If we are forced to do things in a new way and contemplate its viability, fearing the unknown along the way, it is safe to say we lose our sense of control and autonomy.
We succumb to new ways of doing things and finding our way again, like a rookie. Trial and error. We are afraid to ask the ‘dumb’ questions and to look like a fool. We are afraid of embarrassment and social isolation. All this because change forces us out of our comfort zones and compels us to adapt and survive.

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Before we talk about why and how to embrace change, it is vital to understand our reasons for resisting it. These make up some of the fundamental causes of resisting change. I highly encourage you to get an understanding of the concept of impermanence, to begin with, and reflect upon your own personal reasons for not accepting change. Next week I will highlight some of the ways you can accept and embrace change.

Further Reading

• Impermanence
• Impermanence is Buddha Nature

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You seek peace in the world, outside of you.
In various places, situations, circumstances and perhaps even in people.

Your peace can only exist within yourself, not outside.

Your ability to recognise this truth and then finding peace within yourself is the one true secret to happiness in life.
Whatever the outside situation may be, you can find peace within yourself even in the midst of a storm.

Your peace lives inside you and not with another person. Not tied to a specific place and certainly not in shiny new objects (phones, jewellery, cars, houses etc).

Some places, people, objects and even materials (drugs, alcohol) can have the effect of bringing you ‘peace’. This is not peace. It is a transitory emotion. It is not manifested from within but exists due to a catalyst. It will fade away as soon as that person, material, objects, place fades away. It is not lasting but fleeting.
On the other hand, we blame certain people and places for disturbing our peace. None can disturb your peace but you. The beauty of creating your own peace – No one can take it away from you.

When you can live at peace with yourself you also develop the ability to live at peace with others, no matter who they are and what they do.

So how do you go about creating this peace of yours?

“The soul that moves in the world of the senses and yet keeps the senses in harmony, free from attraction and aversion, finds rest in quietness. In this quietness falls down the burden of all her sorrows, for when the heart has found quietness, wisdom has also found peace.” — The Bhagavad Gita

According to this timeless text, peace comes from finding your quietness. From finding your equanimity between attraction and aversion.
Here are a few other ways to find your peace:

• Focus your attention on things you can control
• Spend time in nature
• Accept yourself as who you are
• Be true to yourself (Stop pretending and conforming to believes that are not yours)
• Meditate
• Slow Down
• Learn to accept and let go
• Avoid trying to change others
• Avoid trying to change things that you cannot control

Practice these things in your daily life and you will feel the transformation.
Learn to be at peace with yourself in whatever situation you are, you will automatically be at peace with everything else. It is ourselves that we resist the most hence it is ourselves we need to accept first.

“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.” —Norman Vincent Peale

You know that ‘friend’ whose house is bigger than yours, who makes more money than you, whose kids go to a private school and who (according to you) is better looking than you.
Guess what … She/he faces the same anxieties, fears, issues and is vulnerable exactly the same way as you.
How do I know that? Because we are more alike than different.

We all have this learned behaviour of feeling different from each other, not feeling part of the whole. We need to unlearn this and realise that we are more alike than we think we are.
That person whom you envy, dislike, admire, fancy, hate, is more like you than you realise.

Everyone wants to be liked.
To be accepted.
To feel important.
Humans are social animals and we all want connection and recognition. We all want to be part of a group/culture/social order. Groups have been important for our survival for thousands of years throughout history. This is part of our evolution.
But as much as we try to feel and portray we are different from each other, we are but as unique as the next person.

We all have the same fears (judgement, rejection, failure, death), anxieties, worries, stresses and annoyances.
Ageing parents, difficult children, money worries, loss of a job, loss of a loved one, physical suffering/illness, grey hair, being unfit/overweight, not performing well at work, having trouble in a marriage … You name it, we all go through it at some point in life.

Instead, we cover up all our fears and anxieties and carry around this persona that says ‘my life is all good, my choices are good, my judgement is good and perhaps better than yours’

“Enter people’s minds, and you’ll find the judges you’re so afraid of — and how judiciously they judge themselves.” – Marcus Aurelius (ix.18)

You and I are not so different after all. So let’s stop pretending.

Instead, if we had an actual and honest conversation with each other and genuinely understand that we all face the same problems in life then we wouldn’t need to pretend anymore.
We can truly uplift and encourage each other to be better if we let go of this facade.

So leave your ego at the door and make this the week where you have a genuine and honest conversation about your fears and anxieties with someone. Share something that you have never told anyone before.

It will be a life-changing experience.
It will teach you compassion and humility.
It will teach you to connect.
It will teach you to let go.
It will be a new way of life.
Try it. I dare you.

Do you think you can get more done by rushing?
By always being a state of perpetual hurriedness?
What’s the goal, trying to get things done? Scratch them off your to-do list?

The goal is not to do more, but to get more done by doing less. I will give you a moment to read that sentence again and let it actually sink in.

Do you cramp too much in your lives?
Do you say YES to too many things, friends, colleagues, invites because you simply don’t know how to say no? Because you need to reciprocate? Because you don’t want to be rude?
And then you end up rushing to get everything done?
Trying to stay sane and in the process inducing stress and anxiety and possibly a multitude of life long illnesses?

For those with kids, sadly enough, not only are you always rushing yourself but you are also rushing you kids. Creating a sense of low-level anxiety in their little bodies from a very early age. (Yes, it is an actual thing)

Ask yourself, if your child wants to stop on the way to school, perhaps for 30 seconds, to look at a flower or an ant, is it so bad? Are you really going to get late? And even if you do, does it really matter?
Foster yours and your child’s curiosity and sense of wonder by slowing down and helping them to slow down.

Isn’t this what life is all about anyway… fun, curiosity, amazement and wonder?
Or is your life absolutely about getting more done and ticking an X number of boxes before you die?

Are you continually going to rush through life until there is no more life to live?
Did you really live a good life if you rushed through most of it and didn’t actually stop to enjoy, admire and appreciate the little things?

If this was done to you as a child by your parents, perhaps out of a lack of knowledge, don’t do it to your kids. And if you are doing this to yourself, due to a lack of self-awareness, please stop. Now

Enjoy the little things and stress less.

As Henry David Thoreau famously said “It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”

There is a breadth of literature written on the topic and if this has intrigued your thinking, I leave you with this short list of further reading.

• Unbusy; A Manifesto by Jonathan Fields
• How Not to Hurry by Leo Babauta (Blog post)
• Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life by Nir Eyal, Julie Li
• The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller, Jay Papasan

Mistakes happen. Some small ones, some really enormous ones. We all make them. We are far from perfect, and that’s okay. It is part of the human condition. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making mistakes, in spite of what society tells you.

However, you must learn from your mistakes. They are mistakes only if you don’t learn anything from them. They can be turned into life-changing lessons when you review them and learn from them.

But let us be clear on what a mistake actually is. According to the dictionary, it is “an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.” With that in mind, if you do it once or perhaps even twice then it can be deemed a mistake. But if you do it repeatedly then its a habit. Its a pattern – not a mistake. Don’t fool yourself.

We get stuck in certain patterns and comfort zones and end up making the same mistakes over and over. This is where your review and learning kicks in. Every mistake can be an opportunity to learn something, either about yourself, the situation or the world at large.

Every time you realise you have made a mistake or are made to realise, genuinely reflect upon it and ask yourself:

• What led to this?
• Could this have been avoided? If so, then how?
• Did I make this mistake unconsciously, without even thinking about it (being on autopilot)?
• Was it just carelessness?
• Was it a lack of planning?
• Was it some unchecked anxiety or pressure?

There could be a multitude of reasons for your particular mistake but you should know it otherwise you are bound to repeat it. On the flip side though, making mistakes is an important element of growth. Growth as a person, family, community or even as a nation or species.
History is full of elaborate and grand mistakes by many of the most famous people. It is important to remember that those who do not make mistakes, or at least pretend that they don’t, very seldom try something new in their lives.

Many times we avoid taking any action because we are afraid to make a mistake for fear of failure or being judged because, well let’s face it, making mistakes is considered bad. Don’t worry too much about failure and mistakes, be thrilled about the opportunity of experiencing something new. Expanding your horizons and becoming more.

Stop focusing so much on what could go wrong, be excited about the possibility of things going right and getting exactly what you wanted.

Self-care is vital.

It is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
If you do not care for your own health, well being, and happiness you cannot be of any use to anyone else.
The analogy of putting your own mask first before helping someone else while flying.

But wait, what exactly is self-care?
Any activity you do deliberately to take care of your mental, physical and emotional health is self-care.

Self-care can take many forms and you don’t necessarily need to spend excessive amounts of money on it.
It can be simple things like:

• Exercise
• Taking a nap (yes, seriously)
• Reading a book
• Going outside in nature for a walk
• Eating the right foods

Anything that will make you happy and uplift your mood can be considered self-care.
And no, the “holy trinity” of drugs, sex and alcohol does not fit this category.

You are not on this planet to simply survive. You should endeavour to thrive, your body and mind are your greatest assets to achieve that. Take care of them.
Eat well. Meditate. Exercise. Keep your environment clean. Drink lots of water. The standard advice but actually doing it.

Sometimes, in spite of ongoing chaos in your surroundings, you need to find time for yourself. For me, if something is not on my calendar it doesn’t get done. I block out time on my calendar for reading, journaling, meditation, exercise, writing and all other activities. Schedule self-care time like you would block out dinner plans, dentist appointments or work commitments.
Make weekly, monthly and quarterly plans.

Look after your self mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Your future self will thank you (and me) for it.

Are you drifting through life without actually knowing what you want out of it?

If you said yes then you are not alone. Most of us are.
Yet, you need to know what you want in life, the earlier the better.

If you don’t know where you are going, how are you meant to get there? You can’t use a GPS unless you have a destination or a general orientation.

At some point in life, you will know what you want. It will come to you, but for that to happen, try different things. Something will stick. Something will feel right. Something will help you step into your greatness, make you whole, make you feel at ease and in your natural ‘habitat’.

• Say YES to opportunities.
• Say YES to possibilities.
• Say YES to trying new things.
• Say YES to getting out of your comfort zone.
• Say YES to things that excite you.
• Say YES to new experiences, people and places.

Trying more things will also help you realise what you don’t want to do.
Try it from a process of elimination. We never give ourself the choice and the time to try different things and take risks.

One of the best ways to get to know yourself and what you want in life is to observe your thoughts.
Spend time with yourself. In solitude. Not while doing chores like mowing the lawn, or taking the dog out for a walk. No. Doing nothing else but spending time with yourself and observing your thoughts. In silent meditation, reflection, and examination of the self.

The goal is to observe the patterns of your thought to identify the cause and recognise the potential effects. That is, understanding what you think, why, and what it will lead to.
Is your thinking based out of fear? Based out of love? Compassion? Conformity to the culture around you? Based on invisible scripts handed down to you from parents/teachers/pastors/scripture? What are your motivations for doing anything?

Knowing yourself makes living this life easier and pleasant. You can eliminate your internal resistance and potential self-sabotage.
If you know who you are then you know what your values and morals are.
Based on this you can define your principles. Which will consequently give a direction to your life.

Take the time to find yourself early in life so you can work with yourself and not against.

To transform or to transcend?

In life, you only have these two options to any situation, problem or circumstance. Whatever it may be: getting fired, loss in business, loss of a loved one, struggling with being overweight or any other situation you consider to be negative. You can either transform it or transcend it.
I don’t mean mystic or quantum transformation through super-conscious states that transcend space and time. No. Far simpler but perhaps even harder to implement.

Here is what I mean:
If you don’t like something about yourself or a situation, you can either transform it, or you can transcend it.
That is, either do something about it and change the situation (transformation) or rise above it and accept it as it is (transcendence).
There is no third option.
Yes, you don’t always have the control to change a situation and you may feel helpless but stop complaining about it. Stop pitting yourself and being the victim because that is where transcendence comes into play.
If you can’t change it because there is absolutely nothing in your power you can do – and let’s be honest, there are very few situations in life where that may be the case – then accept it as it is. And let me make a clear distinction, acceptance or transcendence is not the same as surrender. More on that later in another post.

What does it take to be kind to someone?
Do we do it for reciprocity? With an expectation? Maybe far in the future?

Ever-increasingly the world is becoming a place where everything seems to be a transaction. Everything is done for a gain, even kindness, with an expectation of something in return. This may not be obvious to many but there is always an expectation.
But does this really need to be?
Is it really kindness if we expect something?
Shouldn’t kindness be the default setting… like organic food?
Why do we need to consciously think about it and go out of the way to be kind?
Kindness should be our default setting, without expecting anything in return. That is true kindness. Helping someone who can’t help us back or benefit us in any way. That is the true recognition of the self.

On the other hand, sometimes it not easy to be kind to certain people. You just can’t help it. They have the tendency to naturally just bring out the worst in you but be kind anyway because it says more about you than them.
You see, the ability to be kind to someone is within you. You have the power over your own emotions and feelings. Irrespective of how they make you feel. You are in charge of your own emotions and actions.
It is easy to have a cold heart. To be unkind and rude.
It is also easy to be kind to people who are generally nice but the real test of our kindness is towards unkind people.
Whats is the fun in doing the easy things that don’t challenge us?
Be kind to the ones that are not kind. They really do need it the most.

Read.
Read as much as you can. It opens the mind and feeds the soul. Reading will transform your life. Literally. It will teach you to question things, the right away. Not only does it give you new knowledge and information, but it also gives you a new perspective on old ideas and notions.

Read 20 mins a day, or 20 pages or 20 hours a day. It does not matter, as long as you read. It is not a race and you shouldn’t be competing with anyone (or yourself) to finish X many books a week/month/year like Elon Musk, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet.

When you read you must also be able to retain the information. Don’t just read for the sake of reading. Read to retain. Read to learn. Read to remember. Read to better yourself. Read to improve your life.

Read a wide variety of subjects; science, religion, spirituality, biography, history. It will broaden your horizons and enhance your personality.

Don’t just read the stuff that conforms to your world views, but read on subjects that challenge your thinking and is against your general beliefs on a subject. Understand what the other side has to say. Learn the counter-arguments. It will make you a better thinker and either help you change your mind or enable you to defend your views better.

And if after reading this post you find yourself being inspired and ordering a large number of books online (which I hope you do) remember …

“The buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching toward infinity”.A. Edward Newton